It is very strange to have come this far. It is even stranger to have come the last few years totally alone, w/o any close friends who share my views and ideals.

About two years ago I was asked into my first and only crew.  It was something I never expected.  The crew is still together and I have became extremely close with a few members but yet it is not the same as the sXe kids I came up with—-well of course it’s not the same, all of those fuckers broke.

So here I am, in a place in my life where it’s not cool, it’s not trendy, where I am met with absolute disbelief and sometimes derision when I am asked about it and have to explain what it is.

I did not claim to get attention, it has caused me far more grief than good times, and now I am just completely alone. The fact that I am a female over 30 just makes me that much more of an oddity.

People used to come to me for advice and I used to get asked questions about straightedge, what it is and why.  I’d like to think that with CM Punk in the spotlight no one needs to ask questions because everyone knows what it is. That in itself feels surreal, coming from a time when absolutely no one I met had any idea what it is.  Now at least if they watch tv and have some idea of pop culture, they have some idea of what sXe is.  A lot of people can’t stand Punk for that exact reason:  for bringing it out in the open as if it was our secret club that no one else needed to know about.  Fuck that.  I’ve loved Punk since the first time I saw him come to the ring in Ring Of Honor, back when the only way to even SEE ROH was to buy dvds online for matches from the previous months.

It’s easy to go on with the crowd when it is the “cool” thing to do, when you have friends to hang out with, friends that are like you, friends to go to when you are discouraged and want to quit.  But when you’re completely alone, like the last member of an extinct tribe, watching the world go on without you…..I can’t even describe it except to say that it is lonely.

Sometimes I want those friendships back, even if they were all fake, even if they were all fucked up little kids who were desperate to be like SOMEONE and for some reason it just turned out that someone was me.  The only catch was, I didn’t know I was just another someone to emulate until the next trend came along.  I sort of thought I had this little family of fucked up lost souls, an army of mini me’s that I could, and would, and had the power to save.  I thought that right up until the time they all started drinking and doing drugs and told me to go fuck myself.

I can remember talking to the guys in Throwdown before and after each gig at the White Rabbit in San Antonio and how incredibly nice Dave and Ben were.  But then the band became a revolving door and then their sound changed and hell, well I guess there’s no one left to believe in but myself.

When I started out I didn’t think I’d last 3 months. And here I am.

I have the Throwdown lyric “I’ll Take This To The Bitter End” tattooed on my leg.  Who would have guessed, I actually am doing just that.